Paintings & Poetry by Jennifer McClary
deFAULT
seek to transform
voicing concern to override thoughts
wandering outside the box
discovering internal reflections
opinions could turn into harm
images can’t be corrected yes they can
where does it come from
who decided who I was going to be
deep rooted dare to change change is needed
underling possibilities
REACH FOR THE STAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSS
delving perceptions unknown
concerns for the future Education to……… most
pondering twisted outside the line
color the outside
trust your gut interrogate it
ask as many questions as you can - as fast as you can
challenge what norm first?
set boundaries encourage others to break them
tear down the invisible walls
dig deep to shock the core your core
rewire unwire rebuild
one step, skip two fall
down
three
retrace the slug line
descend to rebuild REACH OUT
brick by stone each grain matters
bright red orange calming sky torn half page paper reclaiming itself
everyday start new
searching……searching……searching……searching……searching……
to set free the trapped mind that was build upon generations of faults
Swallowed
sea being swallowed
consumed by tiny pieces of glitter
gold rubbed out shattered glass
floating not falling
kindly remember
evoke pictures of what once was
a dishevel sketch
is not contained felt through only thoughts
was it real is this real
cells that burst in the film of my own eye
Wonder
As I wonder these hallways,
the emptiness that feels me
consumes me
I find that I’m walking in circles
a spiral pulsing from my belly button
travels all the way up to the crown of my head
a spiral that I find is continuing as the Earth rotates and spirals along itself on its own access Wandering
searching
I search to find the reason why I’m here
I search to find the healing path of treacherous demanding memories
thoughts that protrude the emptiness and joyfulness throughout my ever longing days
Nameless faceless ancestors walk next to me
beside me
guiding me to unshared territory that they have lived themselves
Trapped
trapped in a never ending circle
sparks of inspiration upon never waking
never ending melting of flesh
longing to crash the car in the medium
what if I drifted and let the unseen take control
wishing I never woke the next morning
wondering how to keep going when I know today will be the same as yesterday
Side Stepped
Deception
a walk in the clouds
you promised
is this real?
Falling
Falling into unconsciousness
Why can’t I move
Paralyzed I need to fight
Surrendering myself
Holding onto endlessness
Can I stay here
It’s pretty in the dark
Formless
Empty there is no returning to the light
Is she done
Can I dream
Weeping stones filled blood
Arriving to a place I’ve yet to discover
Why is movement so hard
Untrained to cope
You take what’s not yours
Scraping at the surface
Your skin is embedded under my fingernails
your foul sweat collecting on your skin
Dripping on me
One drop at a time
I fought until I couldn't
Never give upIt’s not worth it
No energy left
The darkness is coming
Enclosing onto me
My safe place
A place that keeps my memories hidden from myself
Untitled
Laying there
Paralyzed
The need to fight
Surrendering myself
Rising to gut out
A clear message
Rising from the ashes
Hold on - get out
Now what
Therapy - What kind?
What do I like again?
What’s my favorite color?
Yellow, I know that one
Am I cold? Am I? Am I not? I can’t tell
Look at skin, no chicken skin, i think I’m ok
Desensitized, disassociate, boxes lots of boxes
Questions after questions after questions
I don’t know the answer
Will I ever know the answer
Picked up like a shiny rock - put on display - but with rules
Grinding into dust left to float away - you think together? You thought wrong
How do I gather it all
You just do
But how?
Where do I start?
How do I keep going safety
How do I sleep safely
Is it safe
Am I safe now
I am safe now
No … not from the memories that haunt my waking eyes
You move to much when you sleep
Don’t laugh to loud
Don’t cry
You don’t cry enough
Don’t wear that smell
Buddhism you don’t need that
You don’t need your family
Grow your hair out
Dye it back normal
Tattoos - i don’t like them, you can't have them
You walk to loud
Why can’t you do anything right?
You move too much when you sleep - Can I teach myself to stop moving in my sleep?
Don’t laugh to loud - maybe I do laugh to loud
Don’t cry - maybe I’m not attractive when I cry
You don’t cry enough - um….but you just said…..
Don’t wear that smell - but it’s my favorite
Buddhism you don’t need that - its my religion
You don’t need your family - Yes I do
Grow your hair out - it takes three years to grow out
Dye it back normal - normal? What's that, I love being blonde
Tattoos - I guess that’s ok, if she doesn’t like them….
You walk to loud - how do I change this
Why can’t you do anything right? - But I can
You still move in your sleep - I did it, I taught myself how not to move when I sleep - why is she still mad?
laugh to loud - I don’t laugh anymore, I just smile
cry - I only cry alone in my car
smell - I start wearing what she likes instead
Buddhism you don’t need that - I chant in my car now
family - secretly calls and emails them, but deletes all text and emails right away
Hair - I guess I miss my curley and brown hair ….it won't be so bad
Tattoos - I’ve always wanted them, I guess I can give that up
You walk to loud - still working on it
Why can’t you do anything right? - maybe she is right
You move to much when you sleep - sleep what’s that
Don’t laugh to loud - done - why are you still getting mad
Don’t cry - I cry uncontrollably - but that’s only because you are coming at me
Don’t wear that smell - I hate this smell
Buddhism you don’t need that - still chanting in my car
You don’t need your family - my family isn’t bad
Grow your hair out - you still don’t like it so why do I have to keep it this way
You walk to loud - my presents alone makes you mad
Why can’t you do anything right? - really? Maybe she can do it better
I’ve master not moving when I sleep
Emotions I don’t have them
I dress and smell like someone I don’t recognize
Religion - I never let go of, but you think I did
Family? - I can’t tell them whats really going on
Tattoos - that’s a thing of the past
I annoy you
Why can’t I do anything right
Egg shells - I changed me for you, and I still get mutilated by your words and fists.
Why can’t I leave
Why do I stay
Swimming
Choices are made
not my voice
challenges arise
turned around
falling deeper
the hole gets smaller
transform WHY
for the better THE WORSE
what if…
how do you keep going
dismantle
disgusting
a knife in hand
do I ……….. I shouldn’t
It would on its own
jailed bird with beautiful silky feathers
how sad depressed intrepid
to see it never take flight
never embrace the sun kiss its wings
lifted supported from the wind beneath
take to the baby blue sky
lightening Earth crashes into me
come out of the clouds
step back into the dirt
transform into who you need me to be TO SURVIVE